this is a day late, but I was busy yesterday

[glaucon]

[annual repost. originally written 12/7/01]

well, december 7th is upon us again.

not only is it ted knight's birthday (happy birthday to you, etc.) but it's also one of my favorite ludicrous holidays: pearl harbor day.

with Neverending War upon us though and the economy heading down the toilet, I think we would be well-behooved to tighen our belts and economize all over. I can't help but feel that eliminating some extraneous holidays would be a step in the right direction.

the trouble is that holidays can't just be cancelled. it could lead to wide-spread global shockwaves of astonishment. we wouldn't want another repeat of the St. Valentine's Day massacre (brought on by an early attempt to cancel Valentine's Day), or of the Boxer Rebellion (brought on by an attempt to cancel Boxing Day in china), or the Pentecost Annoyance (bought on by...oh, fuck it).

no...the early christian church fathers had the right idea: you don't cancel the old pagan holidays -- you *syncretize* them. you combine them with your holidays and make a weird new hybrid holiday.

to this end, I am proposing the first of what I'm sure will be several chimera holidays: Pearl Arbor Day.

yes-that's-right-you-guessed-it: from now on, Pearl Harbor Day and Arbor Day will be officially conjoined.

"but," you may say, "they don't really go together!"

well, that's what they said about Christmas and Saturnalia too, isn't it?

sure, we won't be able to celebrate US paranoia, racism and jingoism the way we used to every December 7th. and paul schell will no longer have an excuse to spend ludicrous amounts of Seattle city funds on one tree once a year. but think of all the possible ways one could celebrate Pearl Arbor Day. you could, for example:

--get drunk
--watch football
--get drunk *and* watch football
--refuse to visit arizona
--go skiing

and if you're jewish, you could go to a movie!

these are all just some of the potential ways to celebrate. I'm sure many more will occur to you.

of course, the *official* Pearl Arbor Day celebratory ritual is to drive out into the hills in a mitsubishi (if you don't have one already, you can buy, borrow or rent one), set fire to a bunch of trees and, once they have burned to the ground, plant a banzai tree in their place, making sure to scream "BANZAI!!! BANZAI!!!!" as loudly as possible throughout the process.

or you could just stay home, get drunk, and listen to janis joplin.

either way.

and so I say:

HAPPY PEARL ARBOR DAY TO ALL!
AND A VERY MERRY GROUNDHOGWAR DAY!

but that last part is, after all, another day.

Comments

[nothings.livejournal.com]

heeheehee

[ms-violet.livejournal.com]

How do you work hideous amounts of shopping into these holidays? because that's what really makes them catch on. So far nobody's been able to work a capitalism hook into Martin Luther King Jr. Day and I think that's why that holiday hasn't taken off with the success of others.

Because although there's President's Day appliance sales, you never hear about the Martin Luther King Day sales. And you'd think he'd want everyoine to get fair, honest treatment and a good bargain just as much as Abe and George.

[strobe-hearted.livejournal.com]

i completely see the practicality here. Instead of planting trees we could just plant flags all over the world in one coordinated effort of dominance. This could the proper message, and we'd definitely be less green and a lot more red white and blue! guffaw.

[strobe-hearted.livejournal.com]

ps my favorite part of all has to be "refuse to visit arizona"

[besideserato.livejournal.com]

My goodness, you are hilarity incarnate. Thank you for reposting that, I have not had a laugh like this in a good while.