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annual repost
Dec. 7th, 2006 08:42 amwell, december 7th is upon us again.
not only is it ted knight *and* mark edmondson's birthday (happy
birthday to you, etc.) but it's also one of my favorite ludicrous
holidays: pearl harbor day.
with Neverending War upon us though and the economy heading down the
toilet, I think we would be well-behooved to tighen our belts and
economize all over. I can't help but feel that eliminating some extraneous
holidays would be a step in the right direction.
the trouble is that holidays can't just be cancelled. it could lead to
wide-spread global shockwaves of astonishment. we wouldn't want another
repeat of the St. Valentine's Day massacre (brought on by an early attempt
to cancel Valentine's Day), or of the Boxer Rebellion (brought on by an
attempt to cancel Boxing Day in china), or the Pentecost Annoyance (bought
on by...oh, fuck it).
no...the early christian church fathers had the right idea: you don't
cancel the old pagan holidays -- you *syncretize* them. you combine them
with your holidays and make a weird new hybrid holiday.
to this end, I am proposing the first of what I'm sure will be several
chimera holidays: Pearl Arbor Day.
yes-that's-right-you-guessed-it: from now on, Pearl Harbor Day and Arbor
Day will be officially conjoined.
"but," you may say, "they don't really go together!"
well, that's what they said about Christmas and Saturnalia too, isn't it?
sure, we won't be able to celebrate US paranoia, racism and jingoism the
way we used to every December 7th. and paul schell will no longer have an
excuse to spend ludicrous amounts of Seattle city funds on one tree once a
year. but think of all the possible ways one could celebrate Pearl Arbor
Day. you could, for example:
--get drunk
--watch football
--get drunk *and* watch football
--refuse to visit arizona
--go skiing
and if you're jewish, you could go to a movie!
these are all just some of the potential ways to celebrate. I'm sure many
more will occur to you.
of course, the *official* Pearl Arbor Day celebratory ritual is to drive
out into the hills in a mitsubishi (if you don't have one already, you can
buy, borrow or rent one), set fire to a bunch of trees and, once they have
burned to the ground, plant a banzai tree in their place, making sure to
scream "BANZAI!!! BANZAI!!!!" as loudly as possible throughout the
process.
or you could just stay home, get drunk, and listen to janis joplin.
either way.
and so I say:
HAPPY PEARL ARBOR DAY TO ALL!
AND A VERY MERRY GROUNDHOGWAR DAY!
but that last part is, after all, another day.
not only is it ted knight *and* mark edmondson's birthday (happy
birthday to you, etc.) but it's also one of my favorite ludicrous
holidays: pearl harbor day.
with Neverending War upon us though and the economy heading down the
toilet, I think we would be well-behooved to tighen our belts and
economize all over. I can't help but feel that eliminating some extraneous
holidays would be a step in the right direction.
the trouble is that holidays can't just be cancelled. it could lead to
wide-spread global shockwaves of astonishment. we wouldn't want another
repeat of the St. Valentine's Day massacre (brought on by an early attempt
to cancel Valentine's Day), or of the Boxer Rebellion (brought on by an
attempt to cancel Boxing Day in china), or the Pentecost Annoyance (bought
on by...oh, fuck it).
no...the early christian church fathers had the right idea: you don't
cancel the old pagan holidays -- you *syncretize* them. you combine them
with your holidays and make a weird new hybrid holiday.
to this end, I am proposing the first of what I'm sure will be several
chimera holidays: Pearl Arbor Day.
yes-that's-right-you-guessed-it: from now on, Pearl Harbor Day and Arbor
Day will be officially conjoined.
"but," you may say, "they don't really go together!"
well, that's what they said about Christmas and Saturnalia too, isn't it?
sure, we won't be able to celebrate US paranoia, racism and jingoism the
way we used to every December 7th. and paul schell will no longer have an
excuse to spend ludicrous amounts of Seattle city funds on one tree once a
year. but think of all the possible ways one could celebrate Pearl Arbor
Day. you could, for example:
--get drunk
--watch football
--get drunk *and* watch football
--refuse to visit arizona
--go skiing
and if you're jewish, you could go to a movie!
these are all just some of the potential ways to celebrate. I'm sure many
more will occur to you.
of course, the *official* Pearl Arbor Day celebratory ritual is to drive
out into the hills in a mitsubishi (if you don't have one already, you can
buy, borrow or rent one), set fire to a bunch of trees and, once they have
burned to the ground, plant a banzai tree in their place, making sure to
scream "BANZAI!!! BANZAI!!!!" as loudly as possible throughout the
process.
or you could just stay home, get drunk, and listen to janis joplin.
either way.
and so I say:
HAPPY PEARL ARBOR DAY TO ALL!
AND A VERY MERRY GROUNDHOGWAR DAY!
but that last part is, after all, another day.
