glaucon's 2007 Academy Awards Drinking Game

There are five types of rules governing specific activities or events.

If you follow them all, you'll probably end up in a hospital. I recommend quitting before that happens.


Cut Rules

drink if:

1. a black nominee is mentioned or announced and there is a sudden cut to a completely unrelated black actor in the audience
if the unrelated black actor is anyone besides will smith, halle berry, or denzel, drink twice
if it's samuel l jackson, drink three times

2. cut to someone in the audience whom you can't identify
if no one else in the room can identify them, drink twice

3. cut to an old geezer with a significantly younger date
if the geezer is a woman, drink twice

4. cut to gratuitous display of cleavage
if it's obviously artificially enhanced, drink twice

5. cut to someone with a ridiculous hairdo
if it's facial hair, drink twice


Speech Rules

drink if:

1. award has multiple winners, but the first recipient's speech uses all the time
if the unlucky victim seems visibly annoyed or continues talking over the "fuck off" music for more than 10 seconds, drink twice

2. recipient gets all political
if political sentiment is especially simple-minded (eg. "war is bad" or "it's a shame that there are poor people"), drink twice
if audience boos or political remarks are drowned out by "fuck off" music, drink three times

3. recipient uses the word "art" or "artist"
if it's in reference to themself, make a rude noise and drink twice

4. recipient mentions God or Jesus
if it's in an unfavorable context, drink twice

5. if recipient quotes someone else's witty or wise remark
if the person they quote isn't involved in movies or is someone you've never heard of, drink twice


Presenter Rules

drink if:

1. presenter flirts shamelessly
if will farrell or kate winslet is involved, drink twice
if abigail breslin is involved, drink three times

2. presenter is visibly drunk, drugged, or insane
if diane keaton *doesn't* appear drunk, drugged, or insane, drink twice

3. presenter makes any reference to Borat
if reference is disparaging, drink twice

4. presenter mispronounces a word or uses a word that they obviously don't know
if it's tom cruise, drink twice

5. presenter gratuitously refers to one of their own films or roles
if you've never heard of the film or role, drink twice


Chug Rules

chug if:

1. anyone makes any overt reference to homosexuality or bisexuality
if it's their own, applaud before chugging
if it's their own and you're surprised, chug two
if it's marky mark, tell him to call me

2. any non-white performer wins one of the "big six"

3. anyone cries
this includes people in the room as well as on the television
if it's you, stop drinking

4. anyone refers to any divine or diety-like power other than the obvious judeo-christian ones
if it's ganesh or cthulhu, chug two

5. peter o'toole wins


Miscellaneous Rules

1. if anyone is shown who has lost a horrifyingly amount of weight since the last time you saw them, shout "oscarexia" and drink (limit of once per person - eg. if they show reese witherspoon 6 times, that's only one drink)

2. if Nicholson is shown, do a Nicholson impression and drink

3. if a musical number sucks, say "dear god, make it stop" and drink at least three times before the song is over

4. during the Dead People Montage, drink once every time someone in the room says "awww" or "holy crap, when did s/he die?"

5. if any reference is made to Snakes on a Plane, shout any line from the movie and drink at least once to toast the demise of viral internet marketing