fuck robert altman

[glaucon]

I fucking hated robert altman.

that is, perhaps, an inaccurate statement.
I didn't know robert altman. I'm sure I would have thought he was a perfectly fine person if I'd known him personally.

more accurately, I hated his movies.

that is, also, a somewhat inaccurate statement.
the tense is wrong. they still exist and will continue to exist and people will continue to say "but what about this one! you must like this one!" for long after he's interred. and I will continue to hate them.

I could say they're pompous. I could say they're misogynistic. I could say a lot of things and they might be potentially true, but I would be talking entirely out my ass. the short, simple fact is that they bore the living shit out of me. I've never stayed awake through an entire altman picture. and thank god. at least by snoozing, I was making somewhat productive use of my time.

when a friend or lover calls up and says "hey, I'm at the video store. what should I get?" or words to that effect, I always give the same answer: "no robert altman movies and no period films starring winona ryder."

I'm sorry he's dead. at least, as sorry as I can be about the death of an 81 year old guy I didn't know who had a long, successful and, as near as I can tell, pretty comfortable life. but I'm fucking delighted to not have any more films to have to avoid.

except for winona.

Comments

[bcstillman.livejournal.com]

His take on The Long Goodbye was interesting (if you can picture it set in the '70s and Elliot Gould as a character named Philip Marlowe though probably not resembling in any way the Phil Chandler ever imagined).

In his recent book on screenwriting - actually more an excuse to chest thump and waggle his cock under noses - Joe Eszterhas related an anecdote about Altman that escapes me in its entirety. I do remember either Joe or the person it happened to who related it to Joe was left with a lifelong hatred of Altman.

[glaucon.livejournal.com]

yeah, I rented that by mistake before I realized who the director was.
the take on Marlowe was cool. I was asleep by the middle of the 2nd reel though.

Ah ha!

[bcstillman.livejournal.com]

(The Devil’s Guide to Hollywood, p. 232)

Film editor Lou Lombardo, who worked with both men, compared Sam Peckinpah and Robert Altman this way: “Peckinpah is a prick and Altman is a cunt.”

BUT WAIT!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/031235987X/ref=sib_pdp_cap_0/002-9362129-2552024?ie=UTF8&keywords=Joe%20Eszterhas&ie=UTF8&v=search-inside#

Above link goes to an Amazon reader selection dishing more Altman dirt from Eszterhas’ book…not that you asked for it, but I am just ass-tounded at what you can find via the interweb these days.

Re: Ah ha!

[bcstillman.livejournal.com]

Ok, the link doesn't go directly to the dish, but it does go to the 'search' page.

Man, I am all over people's bad blood for this dead Bob for some reason.

I'll stop now.

[rwx.livejournal.com]

does alien resurrection count as a period film?

[glaucon.livejournal.com]

holy shit. that's a tough one.
I'm going to say no. for my winona-loathing purposes, I'm defining "period film" as "set in any era before the birth of winona ryder".

[http://users.livejournal.com/_lj_sucks_/]

Curious. He's directed a lot of movies, he's famous enough that I've heard of him, yet I've seen only two of his films and I've no desire to see any of the others.

"MASH" was passable, but the TV series (without the laugh track) was better.

"The Player" was OK but way too self-indulgent.

I don't mind Winona Ryder too much, but I never want to see another movie with Tom Cruise in it. Then again, perhaps that was a given.

[canetoad.livejournal.com]

Never much cared for Altman, either.

Seekrit love: Hal Hartley. Glad he's much younger and in seemingly good health.

[fredfred.livejournal.com]

Did you hear about Hartley's muse, Adrienne Shelly?

Terrible!

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20061106.wshelly1107/BNStory/Entertainment/home

[canetoad.livejournal.com]

I hadn't heard. Now I'm sad.

[ms-violet.livejournal.com]

I can never sleep on planes, except once on a cross-country flight, Gosford Park made me sleep like a baby log. I just figured that I didn't know what the fuss was about and maybe I was too dumb to appreciate his film mastery or something.

I thought Short Cuts was a deliberate attempt to be annoying.

[shellefly.livejournal.com]

When I was reading this, I saw "no period films" ... but then I finished reading the sentence and saw winona in there, so good, you won't miss the best stuff.

At least "best" as defined by a period piece addict.
Seen The Prestige yet?

[fossefox.livejournal.com]

All of you people are whack, and obviously don't know jack about film. Robert Altman was a fucking genius.

[airpang.livejournal.com]

I don't mean to come out of left field to defend Altman on any grounds, because I agree, all of his movies I've seen bored me, except Popeye, which was just so terrible, it wasn't boring.
And I thought the MASH movie was moderately lame. If that's his high-water mark, ugh.
However, I'm a large Bonanza fan and Altman did write some of the better episodes of that. So, whatever 50 years ago he did something I liked.

[roxann-ireland.livejournal.com]

Thank-you.